Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
