I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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