I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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