is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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