I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
