A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My penis needs a shock collar
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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