my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
