Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So vagazzling was a success
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
