Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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