I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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