Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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