remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
