By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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