Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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