There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
