If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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