Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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