so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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