"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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