A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
