I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
