hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
