I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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