She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
