this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
