you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
