Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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