the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
