I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
