sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
