i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
