Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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