I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
