Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
