Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
