I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
