how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
