i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
