she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
