i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
