when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
