"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
