Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
