I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
