when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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