hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
