Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
