i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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