if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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