Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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