Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
