I'm sorry my penis didn't work
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
