I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
