so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Even my vagina gasped.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
